Storm of the Dead

IMDb

The Florida Militia guns down a looter during a major hurricane. All hell breaks loose when the looter's grandmother turns out to be a Voodoo Queen and seeks revenge for the murder of her grandson.

Cranked on Cinema

"Curse of Demon Mountain”, a rarely seen horror-western starring Joe Don Baker and former Ms. Eastwood, Sandra Locke, seems to be the inspiration for Bob Cook’s “Storm of the Dead” – only updated, and with a dash of “Predator” tossed in for extra seasoning. Yeah, we’re going over similar terrain here, and for anyone who has seen both films, it’s a lumbering affair early on. Thankfully, director Bob Cook (1999's "Lycanthrope") is a long time steward of the b-movie genre, having produced or directed or written over a dozen films in his two decades in the biz and he knows exactly what audiences for such films covet… and he delivers. Well, almost.

See, glaringly obvious is that if two decades in the biz has taught him anything, it’s that title is key to distribution. Doesn’t matter if the title has anything to do with the film, just that it sounds cool and looks sweeet headlining a poster. For that, I’ll give him nothing but props as “Storm of the Dead” sounds kinda cool and if I had that on my resume, I’d be like “Yeah, bitch, yeah!”. Sadly, the film, which features a grand total of one zombie in its 88 minute running time, doesn’t necessarily oblige such a designation. Not even close. Heck, the film’s sole zombie remains without a single kill, at least not on screen. Sorry, munching on a mutilated arm doesn’t cut it. This might put a damper on your zombie-giddiness, but probably not for long.

Truth is, “Storm of the Dead” is a pretty enjoyable affair. The creepy score, the willingness of the lead actresses to get naked anytime, anywhere on camera, and the mock attempts at social commentary from a bunch of actors who clearly have no clue of the levity of the topics they are discussing, I have to admit, it all kind of kept my attention. In fact, a half-hour into this thing, I was pretty much hooked. None of the characters were particularly interesting and I was also fairly consistent in my ability to telegraph who was going to bite it next, based on their dwindling usefulness to the story, or how much gratuitous attention was paid to them beforehand, but it didn't matter cause this thing, as a whole, isn't half bad.

In the wake of Hurricane Xiora, a battered and bruised Florida panhandle is forced to activate the state militia in an effort to quell some of the looting that has been occurring. A curfew has been imposed and the militia members have strict orders to shoot on sight (an order that apparently stems from an incident in New Orleans where snipers were shooting at folks from the Red Cross). Happening upon a young man wandering through the swamp, a crew of militia guys, headed up by Sergeant Barnes ("Sea Legs" star Todd Terry), decide to follow him and see what he’s up to. Yup, he’s up to lootin’ but it ain’t what it seems. See, he’s not looting television sets or anything; he just wants to eat – something the militia guys realize after they kill him. Oh, wait, he actually shot first. Yeah, the looter is the first to pull out his gun and shoot, killing two of the militiamen in the process. An examination of his bags reveals baby food and various other provisions, thus resulting in Barnes and the rest of the guys (the ones who survived) getting all be apologetic and shit. Huh? Why? Not sure what Cook is aiming for here. If he wants us to sympathize with the looter, then he probably shouldn’t have had him go all Annie Oakley on us.

Coincidentally, the looter’s grandma (Yvone Williamson) just happens to be watching the whole thing from afar, which doesn’t bode well for Barnes and the boys especially when you consider that grammy is some kind of high-rent voodoo priestess, and that small wooden doll she’s carrying around with her isn’t a toy. A little finger work on the doll results in some super-hilarious mime work from our boys as they stagger, lurch, clutch and ultimately die from broken necks or some such shit.

Back at base another group of militia members are dispatched to the area to look for Barnes and his crew after they failed to return. Babysitting a vexing meteorologist, reporter, Lisa Hicks (Karin Justman), Lieutenant Hutchinson (J. Todd Smith) and his crew of three guys - Pvt. 'Red' Flynn (Brian Renner), Pvt. Bill Andrews (Bill Zientek), Sgt. Mike Coletti (David Guarente) -- and one woman lady, Cpl. Dani Stevens (Debra Cassano), find themselves hip deep in swamp, mosquitoes and negativity as they attempt to make the most of their less than hospitable surroundings. Along the way, Hutchinson spouts a revisionist view of history about how the government was caught “off guard” by the events of 9/11 and Katrina (I call bullshit!) and how somehow shooting looters, rather than offering them support, is apparently the way to make things right. Huh? Only in George Bush’s America!

They also debate the fate of the crew who trudged there before them but this is just an affliction known banter-as-padding, something to push along the skimpy running time into feature length territory. Another more blatant attempt at padding occurs midway into the movie when over five minutes of screen time is devoted to showing the cast wandering military-like through the swamps searching for the missing crew – a crew that most are convinced are dead. Their diligence eventually pays off as Andrews and Stevens stumble upon the remains of Barnes’ crew, as well, they as also find a half naked young lady (Xiomara Ortiz) hiding in a shack. Assuming that she must have been taken hostage by whoever killed the militiamen, they decide to take her with them as they endeavour to get back to base.

Yessir, as sure as a bear will shit in a forest, Hutchinson’s crew starts getting picked off one by one in some rather nifty ways. Pre-occupied with indulging Lisa Hicks’ sudden jungle fever, Hutchinson finds little time to ruminate over the events playing out, happy to presuppose that natural occurrences are to blame (gators, etc.). Yeah, if you’ve seen “Curse of Demon Mountain”, you’ll undoubtedly know what’s happening. Arriving a little too late is the realization by Hutchinson and survivors that the mysterious, unassuming young lady found in a shed might be the reason for all the recent casualties. Interestingly, Hutchinson’s grandmother was also a voodoo practitioner who fitted him with an amulet in his youth to protect him from evil. Uh… do you think that will come into play in a major way in the final act? Oh yeah, and then there’s the arrival of voodoo woman’s kid, only all zombied-up this time.

That’s pretty much "Storm of the Dead" in a nutshell. You’ll either love it or hate it and, as I stated earlier, I kind of got a kick out of it. The acting is sub-par, at best. J. Todd Smith (2005's "Locusts: Day of Destruction") is going for intense but misses the mark. Mostly he just seems constipated. Brian Renner (2008's "Zombie Strippers!"), a poor-man’s Barney Fife, is annoying, while Bill Zientek (2006's "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector") really isn’t half bad. His burgeoning fondess for tough girl Cassano is kind of fun. 

Interestingly, the females here are what makes the film fun mainly because they have no trouble with changing into their birthday suit when the occasion arrives, which is quite often. It has to be stated that these ladies are real troopers, shooting deep in the interior of an Orlando forest; with all the mosquitoes and black flies and other creepy crawlies, they seem to have no problem whatsoever getting naked. The dreamy Debra Cassano Demi Moore's it up playing a butchy G.I. Janekind of character, and part of what sells it is her willingness to walk around topless, an activity that probably wouldn’t go over too well in a real military setting but for a b-movie, it’s nothing but appropriate. Her tough girl exterior prevelant throughout the early part of the film eventually gives way to a more gentle but emotionally damaged little girl in the second half. Xiomara Ortiz (2008's "Naked Killer"), as a young version of the voodoo woman, doesn’t have a single line of dialogue (it’s all in the eyes, baby) but goddamn, she sure seems happy to get nekkid. And I mean not-a-lick-of-clothing-on-her-entire-body kind of determined nekkid, in the middle of the forest with the squitors and everything. That's all kinds of howesome! (Hot and awesome all smashed together). Lastly, the gorgeous Karin Justman (2007's "The Belly of the Beast") is the biggest surprise of the film for several reasons, the big one being that Karin Justman is actually a top tier Hollywood stunt performer, doing double work for everyone from Sophia Bush in "Stay Alive" to Amy Smart in "Crank: High Voltage" and "The Meant to Be's". The fact that Karin probably earns more money in a month than most of the cast of "Storm of the Dead" will make in a year, suggests that there's no reason why she should be appearing in such low-budget fare, let alone appearing nude in such low-budget fare. This lady is simply amazing.

Overall, not a bad film but a bottom runger as there’s lots of puerile T and A juvenility and some creepy music to remind us that this is a horror movie… Better yet, it’s a zombie movie with no zombies. Yes! If you’re in the mood (or want to get in the mood), this film will definitely be something to check out.

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