Thor: Hammer of the Gods

DreadCentral Review

Thor: Hammer of the Gods is pure cookie cutter Sci-Fi Channel movie-making and cookie cutter is not an expression one should have to use to describe a fantasy horror flick involving Vikings battling werewolves. I can't even bring myself to fault the two screenwriters because I've heard too many stories over the years from various Sci-Fi original movie authors about how stifling they tend to make the creative process and watching this film it is quite evident that the creative process did not allow for much by way of creativity. I can fault them for the stilted dialogue and I can also fault the actors for believing that just because they are appearing in a Viking movie that means they have to speak every stilted line as a bad Shakespearean actor would. The rest is an assembly line of clichéd plotting, visual effects hampered by the usual budgetary restraints, and a lead actor so absurdly miscast it should have been obvious to everyone long before the cameras began rolling.

Honestly now, who the hell thought it was a good idea to cast the eldest son from "Home Improvement" as the legendary Thor? When I first heard about Zachery Bryan (his middle name "Ty" nowhere to be found in the opening credits) being cast in the role of Thor I thought it was an odd bordering on laughable choice. Actually seeing him with his puffy babyface and fledgling beard, neither capable of carrying himself or sounding like a credible Viking warrior... I don't care if the argument is that this is the Captain America-ish tale of how a mild-mannered Viking - "mild-mannered" being another word no one should ever be using in discussion of a Viking movie - gained the "hammer of the gods" by defeating Fenris to become the mightiest Viking warrior of legend; Bryan is no Thor and never will be. Every single time his Thor has a vision that looks remarkably like the Marvel Comics' Thor fighting monsters or posing with his giant hammer amid a stormy lighting-filled night sky (looking very much like one of those Marines recruitment commercials) I kept wishing that Viking was the star of the film instead of Bryan. Then when the movie tries to convince us that Viking from the visions is Zachery Bryan, puh-leaze.

Were there no pro wrestlers or MMA fighters or bodybuilders available for casting? I refuse to believe the casting of Zachery Bryan was done for his name value.

Far more convincing is Blade II's Daz Crawford as Ulfrich, the great warrior leading his fellow Norsemen (and Norsewomen) to this cursed island in search of the "hammer of the gods" that he believes is destined for his grasp. The only problem is that while Crawford carries himself with the proper amount of Berserker swagger, the guy is just far too dark-skinned to be playing a Viking. A Greek hero, a Spartan warrior, or even a Moor - yes. But a Viking? The word "swarthy" generally doesn't spring to mind when you think of Scandinavians.

The questing Vikings are immediately besieged on this island by lycans that look like skinny Minotaurs with wolf heads instead of bulls. I'm not entirely sure if they were always full-bodied CGI creations or human actors with wolf heads digitized onto them or a mixture of both, but it makes for some rather awkward action scenes; actors flail away aimlessly with their swords at wolfmen that appear to have been added into the scenes later. All of the film's swordplay looks very stagey but none more so than these moments.

The werewolf visuals still fair better than their master, the wolf god Fenris, which appeared to me to be the cheaply animated lovechild of He-man's Cringer and Skeletor's Panthor. Endowing it with a Darth Vader-esque voice does not help matters. Fenris is just a bigger, blacker version of the poorly rendered creatures seen in every Sci-Fi Channel saber-toothed tiger movie that'll leave you longing for some good old fashioned Ray Harryhausen stop-motion.

All of which could be forgiven if Thor: Hammer of the Gods proved genuinely thrilling or even laughably campy instead of leaving me with a feeling of complete indifference. Director Todor Chapkanov's last foray into Sci-Fi filmmaking, Copperhead (also penned by Rafael Jordan, a co-writer of this outing), was one of the more entertaining Sci-Fi offerings in recent memory. What here should have been a fantastical melding of The 13th Warrior and Dog Soldiers ends up being yet another predictably shopworn Sci-Fi Channel experience.

When Thor and Ulfrich, who gets seduced by the dark side, have their big confrontation, Ulfrich unleashes his newfound powers bestowed upon him by Fenris by flexing his muscles and letting out a primal roar as if he were a violently constipated Hulk Hogan. All that bluster for what? Does he too develop a wolf's head? Does he turn into something even more feral and ferocious? Nope. Daz Crawford’s facial features turn slightly darker and he develops a butthead. I mean his cranium literally grows butt cheeks. This is his ultimate power that he sold his soul for? And yet as stupid as the visual is, somehow it manages to remain every bit as ho-hum as the rest of Thor: Hammer of the Gods.

TheFilm Review

It’s Vikings vs werewolves in a misty forest on a mysterious island. Thor, God of Thunder, is one of a group of explorers who tries to hunt down his hammer amidst a tangle of love triangles and betrayal. Sound exciting? It does doesn’t it. Well, Thor: Hammer Of The Gods contains all of these elements, the trouble is the budget doesn’t seem to allow for quite as much quality and excitement as these ambitions suggest. Instead, it is reminiscent of a really bad Shakespeare production, with cardboard acting and a dull overall appearance.

Let’s start with the obvious. The title of the film leads you to believe that there will be a god-like presence, specifcally Thor, looking for the Hammer of the Gods. You may be expecting a Chris Hemsworth-alike, with his flowing locks and ripped body. But if you think this is anything like the 2011 superhero film based on the Marvel Comics character, then you will be sadly, sadly mistaken.

There is indeed a character called Thor in this film, unfortunately he does not actually know that he is anything to do with the legends, nor does he act it. Conveniently, in the stories of the fight between the God of Thunder and the sons of rival god Loki, everyone seems to have forgotten the name of the god himself – which in itself is a poor attempt at constructing a story.

Thor is played by Zachary Ty Bryan, a veteran of TV movies and series, which should be our first clue that this film is not meant for the big screen. It is indeed a TV movie, which might explain why it was not given a big budget. However there is no excuse for wooden acting performances, including clunkers like “I feel like I’ve been here before”, “Is that because we were here yesterday?”

The small budget would also explain the fact that we don’t actually see much of the action. When the ‘werewolves’ attack humans, all we see is the reaction of others, plus perhaps some fake blood spattering them not-so-convincingly in the face. Although, seeing the action probably wouldn’t be all that convincing either, as the ‘monsters’ are clearly just men wearing black clothes and wolf masks. Plus, some of the ‘Vikings’ look suspiciously as though they are wearing jeans…

Adding to the shoddy workmanship is the fact that the camera seems to have a height deficiency. Countless scenes are shot from near the ground, which if a brave attempt at making the characters look more imposing, is a misguided one. Instead, the camera swings from person to person as they speak their forced dialogue, and we begin to wonder why the cameraman couldn’t have simply stood up and avoided such an unflattering angle.

Aside from the wooden acting, small budget and disappointing lack of gore, there is an interesting plot twist and one (one!) scene that uses special effects impressively: a Viking into werewolf transmogrification. Is that where the budget went?

Perhaps this is a film that asks not to be taken too seriously, and if you do, you may find yourself clutching your head in despair. Koch Media will release this DVD on 16th April so watch it, if you must, with a large pinch of salt or rather a bowlful of the stuff, and perhaps a glass or two of wine, and then there is a chance that you may be able to enjoy the slapstick ridiculousness that attempts to associate itself with the legend of Thor.

Full Movie on YouTube