RogerEbert
Brendan Gill, the distinguished writer for the New Yorker, offered a definition of pornography that has stood the test of time. A porno movie, he said, is a movie where you become acutely aware that the characters are spending too much time getting in and out of cars and walking in and out of doors. Gill's wisdom came to mind when
Todd McCarthy, writing in Variety, observed of "Underworld" that "there may be more openings and closings of doors in this picture than in the entire oeuvre of
Ernst Lubitsch." That is not the sort of detail that should occur to you while you're watching a movie about a war between werewolves and vampires.
But "Underworld" is all surfaces, all costumes and sets and special effects, and so you might as well look at the doors as anything else. This is a movie so paltry in its characters and shallow in its story that the war seems to exist primarily to provide graphic visuals. Two of those visuals are
Kate Beckinsale, who plays Selene, a vampire with (apparently) an unlimited
line of creditat North Beach Leather, and
Scott Speedman as Michael, a young intern who is human, at least until he is bitten by a werewolf -- and maybe even after, since although you become a vampire after one bites you, I am uncertain about the rules regarding werewolves, Hold on, I just Googled it. A werewolf bite does indeed turn you into a werewolf, according to a Web site about the
computer game Castlevania, which helpfully goes on to
answer the very question I was going to ask next: "What would be the result if a werewolf bites a vampire? It is called a were-pire or wolf
zombie..." The reason Intern Michael is bitten by the werewolf Lucian, I think, is because the werewolves want to create a new hybrid race and gang up on the vampires.
All of this is an emotional drain on Selene, who finds herself in love with a werewolf at the same time that her vampire kingdom is in grave danger. Exactly why she falls in love with Michael, or whether love bites are allowed in their foreplay, is not very clear, probably because romance and sex inevitably involve dialogue, and dialogue really slows things down. This is not a movie that lingers for conversation; its first words, "You're acting like a pack of rabid dogs," occur after 15 minutes of nonstop and senseless action in a fight scene involving characters we have not been introduced to.
Selene is being challenged for leader of the vampires by Kraven (
Shane Brolly), who, as you might have guessed from his name, is a villain, just as you can guess from his name that Viktor (
Bill Nighy) is not. Viktor in fact is deep in a sleep of centuries when he's awakened prematurely by Selene, who needs his advice to deal with the werewolf/human/Kraven situation. The gradual transformation in appearance of the reawakened Viktor is an intriguing special effects
exercise; he begins as a terminal case of
psoriasis and ends as merely cheerfully cadaverous.
"Underworld" is the directing debut of
Len Wiseman, an art director ("
Stargate," "
Independence Day") who can stage great-looking situations but has few ideas about characters and plots. It's so impossible to care about the characters in the movie that I didn't care if the vampires or werewolves won. I might not have cared in a better movie, either, but I might have been willing to pretend.
MOVIE INFO
A young man who has pledged his life to helping others finds himself in a pitched battle between two gangs of supernatural villains in this blend of horror story and action thriller. Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman) is a medical student who is heading home after a long day of
school and work when he unexpectedly finds himself in the middle of what appears to be a rumble between two well turned-out
street gangs. What Michael doesn't know is he has witnessed a skirmish between two deadly
underground communities, unknown to the mortal world, who are battling for supremacy -- the Death Dealers, a tribe of vampires, and the Lycans, a band of werewolves. Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is a leading member of the Death Dealers who hears through the grapevine that the Lycans have plans to capture the aspiring doctor who witnessed their battle. Certain something is in the air, Selene begins following Michael around the city, and she finds herself growing emotionally attached to him. As Selene becomes more attracted to Michael, she becomes more convinced that the Lycans are planning a major attack against the Death Dealers, although vampire kingpin Kraven (Shane Brolly) is certain she's crediting the Lycans with more intelligence than they can muster. As Selene shadows Michael, she finds herself wanting to protect him, but her longing becomes a handicap when he's attacked by Lucian (Michael Sheen), the leader of the werewolf community, and the man she wants to save has now become a sworn enemy. Underworld was the first feature film from music video director Len Wiseman. ~ Mark Deming, Rovi
